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A dream come true, but I wasn't ready | My Vulnerable Journey

I had always dreamed of having my own modeling photoshoot, but the reality was more intense than I could have ever imagined.

Strike a pose.... or run and hide?

This was a real question I was asking myself just a few short months ago.

Let's back up & give a little history first.

Growing up, I had all the girly magazines. I was an avid reader of the Seventeen magazine among many others...Glamour any one?

I would sit and flip through, page by page. Looking and deciphering every photo. The models. Their hair. Their nails. The figures. Their clothes. Their shoes. Everything. I absorbed.

I have always loved fashion, shoes...and all things glam. I mean, what girl who has all brothers, wouldn't right? I needed some girly stuff for goodness sakes! I loved it. I have my whole life.

At 15, I was helping my mom run the bridal & prom gown boutique we had. I was helping brides pick out the dresses of their dreams, pageant queens locating their next winning dress, and helping the guys look extra stellar for their events too. We held fashion shows and yep, I was one of the models. Fun fact, at a bridal show I was the bride and my now hubby, was the groom & I was also the queen of shoe dying! I was so good at it. Okay. That ages me....lets move on! Ha! I worked at the bridal boutique until I moved off to college.

In high school somewhere along the way, I must have made a comment, I wanted to be a model. Because my annual is full of those comments. You know the ones...."good luck on xxx, " well mine said modeling. Makes me laugh.

In college, my next job was with Castner Knott who was later purchased by Dillard's. I worked all the departments of the store, but later was permanently placed in the juniors dept. I had a blast, because you know those clothes were my size! Talk about spending all your pay check. That, was the job! I was amidst all the fashion, all the time.

I loved it. So secretly somewhere tucked way back in there, maybe I did want to model.....maybe??

Fast forward many, many, did I say many? .. years later, here I am right in the middle of a fashion world again. This time, athleisure wear. And again, I love it.

Funny how life happens.

A few months ago, we were given an incentive to earn a trip. It was going to be a tough challenge to earn this trip. It was an exclusive trip to Salt Lake City, where we would be recreating the hike that created Zyia. In addition, we would earn an exclusive photo shoot modeling pre-released items. New items, just for us to model. How fun. How exciting. Holy moly, we get to be models for the day.

Our very own photoshoot. Just us, the photographer, all our friends, all the glam. All the things. We were all pumped. This is going to be the most fun day ever. Let's do it!

As we all began getting ready that morning, another teammate saw 👀 some photos posted from the current photoshoot taking place. Those girls were wearing a new legging and a bra.

A bra? You said.

The looks on everyone's face that morning said it all.

Inside, I was freaking out. I am not ready to do that. I do not have the body to model this bra. I have so much cellulite. I am going to be so uncomfortable. My body language is going to reveal all that I feel.

My photos are going to be terrible. I am so embarrassed. So ashamed.

All the negative self-talk creeped in.

That day was a dream day. A day that every girl dreamt of. Her very own modeling shoot. The light's, the music, the flashes, your best team-mates all experiencing this together. ALL of it. The top-notch treatment, by our top-notch company. This was a dream day.

Yet, there I stood freaking out about how I looked. How much weight I had gained. How much "hail damage" as I call it, I have. How embarrassed I was at myself. Ashamed. Angry. Sad.

Mad. Mad at myself, and mad because I was stealing the joy of my day. The thoughts were rushing in... and I couldn't stop them. I was comparing myself to every single woman in that room. These are feelings I have not had in YEARS. I knew (thought...) people would talk when they saw these photos. Why was I freaking out so much? I just wanted to get it over with and move on.

We got back to the house and I called Mr. Farmer. So upset. I just couldn't get that part of the day out of my head. I stayed upstairs in my room for a while. Just reclused to recharge.

As I talked it over with my farmer, I told him I think the hardest part for me was not only mad at myself, but that we as a company promote women supporting women, we promote to love yourself no matter what. We promote~ be you. Be beautifully you. We promote all the uplifting things, yet here I was being the opposite that day. At that moment, I felt hypocritical. But, as I sat and just worked through my thoughts, I realized we are all human. We are allowed to feel what we feel. We just don't have to dwell there.

I knew at that moment, it was time to take back control and get to work to fix that broken mirror as I was seeing it. Buckle down hard. No excuses this time.

We are each beautifully made, flaws and all. What flaws I constantly worry about, others may not even notice.

I do know, I wasn't alone that day. All the best teammates in the world, were there, cheering each other on. Yelling, whistling and telling her to rock the camera. While is was hard for some, and we all had our own internal battles, we did it anyway.

We did it for ourselves. We did it for you.

We did the damn thing and we know that we are all works in progress and that this fitness journey is worth it. We are worth it and we will ROCK the damn journey no matter how long it takes.

In March ....some of our photos 📸 were published on email and the website.

You know what?! I didn't die. Nothing but great things have been said. Nothing but support and love have been shown

The real behind the scenes drama was all internal. My self image wasn't the best it's been, and I know for me personally, I had to make some changes.

I have a lot more work to do, and I know those photos do not define me, nor break me. Well they almost did. ha ha... But they sure as the hell, motivated me.

I don't share these photos easily. It's taken me over a month to be brave enough to post. I don't like them. But I will continue to use them if it helps one person to see... You are not alone. We can change. We are worth it. You deserve the best image of YOU.

So cheers to each and every woman that is a work in progress. I see you. I support you. We all have body image challenges that we face. We are in this together.

Whatever your goal, go slay it. I am cheering you on.




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